I'm An Old Lady Magnet!: My Funny Adventures With Elderly Women

“Do you like mayonnaise?” That’s what the old lady asked me, behind a crooked smile. I said, “Hunh?!”

I went to the store for string beans and now an old lady is grinning at me in aisle 5 about mayonnaise! I said to the old lady, “I hope you’re talk’n bout’ Hellman’s or sumth’n; that better not be a pick-up line lady!” She laughed, and told me that she had an extra coupon, and I was welcome to it. She went on to tell me about the history of mayonnaise, the difference between the brands, and the richness and quality of mayonnaise.

I am now a mayonnaise aficionado, and I got a jar of Dukes for $2.00 off! I went to the store for string beans, and now I have a jar of mayonnaise, and can't even make a sandwich! Thanks old lady, but next time, please start off by saying “Hi”!

“Ooooh chile’, I loves travel’n!” The old lady said with a burst of excitement. She was telling me about her vacation to Europe. She retired from teaching many years ago, and travels the world. I admired that she is an old lady that doesn't sit still. “…and when Walter made love to me on tha’…” I screamed, “Lawdy, NOOOOOOOO!!” She asked what was wrong. I said, “I don’t want to hear about old people lov’n!” She laughed and said, “You’re going to get old one day!” I told her, “I know I will, but that AIN’T today!"

"Thanks a lot lady, for etching into my memory, you rub'n gums with your old man, cause’ ya’ll have to take your teeth out first!" I thought her arthritis might kick up a notch from laughing so hard!

“Your hair looks nice.” The old lady said to me while in line at the neighborhood grocery store. “Why thank you!” I said. She said, “I sho’ wish I could get my hair like that.” I tell her that it’s really easy, and she shouldn’t have much trouble finding someone to do her hair…BUT not me!” She laughs, and asks, “Why?” I tell her, “Cause’ if you’re walk’n round’ think’n you’re cute, you won’t blame me, when you find out that you ain’t!” She laughed so hard, that I thought her dentures might need a little extra poli-grip! That was the beginning of a long conversation that touched on everything from…well, hair, to jewelry, to art AND MORE!

I finally bid her farewell, but noticed that she was having difficulty with her bags. She actually bought more than she could carry to her apartment across the street. I offered to take her home, and told her, “For all I know you could be Grandma Dynamite! Lady you betta’ not try nuth’n crazy!” She laughed, and promised that she wouldn’t. After I dropped her off she gave me a hug!

“Julia?” The crackly old lady voice asked at the other end of the phone line. “No, this isn’t Julia, I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.” Well, four calls and one phone message later, I’m still tell’n the old lady that it’s the wrong number. One day I decided to call her. When she answered, I explained that I’m the person she’s been calling, looking for Julia. I ask if she’s located her. She tells me that she hasn’t, and says “I don’t unnerstan’, this is the numba’ that they gave me.” “THEY…they who?!” I nervously ask.

I couldn’t understand who she said THEY are, because her voice was frail.She said she had a cold. I don't know, but I'm beginning to think somebody done put my phone number on the bulletin board at the senior center!

Sometimes I wonder if my Grandmother has something to do with my adventures with elderly women. She has made certain that some old lady, somewhere, has a photo of me and my phone number and she distributes it to ALL the old lady’s of the world, AND when they see me they pounce into action! Well, maybe not the world, but it's alot of em...or so it seems! They know that I’ll listen to their tales, their woes, and speak with them honestly, and wittingly. They call me, because I wait patiently til’ they finish cough’n. I am their salvation, their hero...okay that's a stretch...I know!

These shared stories are only an inkling of what I encounter. I’m unsure about my theory though...I can’t prove how this happens or why. However, I can say…Thank You Grandma…if it is you…I love you and the other old ladies too...I mean Silver Foxes!!!